It’s hard for me to review the March 2014 issue of Burda because there is so much crazy WTF in it that it’s all I can focus on when I’m flipping through it. However I do greatly prefer weird to boring, and since I’m afraid hurting Burda’s feelings might lead to a regression to the rectangle based patterns of this summer, I’m going to try and focus on the positive. The best part of this issue is that they chose a pair of jeans for the “sewing lesson for beginners” feature. That means four glorious pages of color diagrams on how stitch pockets, insert a fly front zipper, and attach the waistband. Useful!

Here’s a picture of the jeans in action. This cropped blouse is also very “in” right now, but I’m not sure how many people above 18 can pull it off.

Bomber jackets are also in style right now, so I’m glad for this pattern. This fabric does nothing for me though, so here’s some alternative inspiration. Some things I’ve been seeing in the latest incarnation of the bomber jacket are floral prints, silk fabrics, Asian prints, and all-over embroidery.

This sweatshirt has an opening along the neck with grosgrain ribbon and snaps that I quite like. The leather patches on the elbows also make it a little more interesting.

This skirt with princess seams and a bottom flounce is a flattering shape. The double breasted jacket pattern here also has instructions on how to cut bias strips of the fashion fabric and fray them to achieve the effect in the picture.

This bustier dress is interesting. What would you call those flaps coming down from the shoulders? Bust suspenders?

I oohed and aaahed over this dress, but I think 95% of the appeal is in the fabric choice. If I ever stumble across that exact fabric in an India bazaar, I promise to make this.

This plus size dress has to be the best dress pattern in the issue. Between this and the stellar plus size issue I reviewed last week, the plus size ladies are having all the fun. I’m imagining this one with the shoulder pieces and sleeves in lace, and the rest in the same lace underlined. And perhaps the waist and chest bands in a solid color? A lot of possibilities here.

This other dress in the plus size feature isn’t bad either. It comes in two flavors with different sleeves and a peplum option.

I can’t believe I’m going to talk about one of the craft features without making fun of it… (See how hard I’m trying!?) But this stylized rose applique is nice. If you are into the Alabama Chanin style knits I could see using this to do a reverse cutout. I even like the gold necklace they crimped into the same rose shape.

All right, after all that praise I don’t think I can hold the snark back any longer… Burda, if you are reading this, turn away. Everyone else, here we go…

The March issue started out with an Italian Dolce and Gabbana style shoot. It’s one of the themes they do a lot and it’s not my style, but usually there are at least some good silhouettes when they do it. This time… well, take a look at this Disney princess dress! In yellow, with mixed prints. They even describe it as a “full-length dress in which you would just love to stroll through fields of lavender!” Gag. If I’m wearing this, I’m going to need something stronger… better make it fields of poppies. Oh, and did I mention it comes in wedding flavor too?!

Speaking of wedding dresses, there was a wedding feature in this issue which I believe they do once a year in the spring. I’m sure people look forward to the wedding feature, considering you can save a lot of money by sewing your own wedding dress. Hey 2014 brides, I hope you like GIANT BOWS. Oh, you do? Then take a gander at these:

You can have a giant butt bow, or you can have giant wrist bows. It’s your special day, so you get to choose!

Next up there was a page loudly proclaiming the “Best of Grunge”. As I’m a child of the 90’s, this got me excited. Unfortunately, Burda seemed to interpret grunge and “dumpy garments in sad plaids being worn by even sadder girls”.

Seriously, you call that “grunge”?!

Every issue there is a styling feature where they pick one pattern from that issue and style it with garments from past issues. This month, to prove that they have given up on life, Burda chose this:

That’s right, a pair of sweatpants. I especially like the styling suggestions on the left! I’ll try to get into the mind of a styling editor and walk through how this outfit came into existence… You roll out of bed at high noon on Sunday in the sweatpants you’ve been wearing for two days straight while holed up in your loft drinking PBR out of a wine glass. You need groceries but you don’t have time to change your pants because you have to get to Costco before they stop serving those little samples! But you can’t go out in sweatpants and a t-shirt – you’re a magazine editor! That’s okay, as a style ninja you can transform your pajamas through the magic of “layering”. You grab the first jacket out of your closet, which is gold sequin with a contrasting paisley trim that you bought at the “Dallas for K-mart” collection in 1978. Cowboy boots and a fringe purse are the OBVIOUS choice to add to this. A girl can’t be seen without some jewelry, so you grab the dangliest earrings you can find. Wait, what about your hair? No time for a shower, so splash on some “L’Oreal hair oil” for that greasy-on-purpose look. You glance in the mirror on your way out… perfection!

Finally, more proof that sleeve flounces are the new harem pants:

Here’s the preview for next month’s issue. It sounds like there will be a whole feature on blazers, which I can never have enough patterns for, and that weird wrap dress in the lower left hand corner looks intriguing. You better deliver next month Burda, you owe me.